Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
This is sending me to another galaxy
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all