Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO