Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.