*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
The cashier just checked me out.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors