If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You Might Also Like
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Hank is one in a melon.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.