Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The game has officially changed 😎
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”