FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
bro what is going on at twitter
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.