I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I saw this ending much differently.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.