Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.