13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Worst perfume name ever.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Yup!
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.