If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.