Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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no such thing as a dumb question
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings