When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
This is a bad sign
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.