Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
WTF IS THAT!
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.