Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
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Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
But it’s not the “worst way” either…