Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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Check your privilege
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis