Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Genius idea!!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist