My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If I ignore life will it go away?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station