If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.