Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.