doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
💻🤡
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad