*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.