Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Same post same
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.