8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Basically.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑