“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
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Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.