Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.