Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
hmm conte-me mais
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
May your day taste like creamy soup.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes