When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I cannot stop laughing at this
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.