All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.