📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest