This is always good for a laugh.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.