I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
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Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.