So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.