Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”