(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I love twitter
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game