Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Don’t make me out nice you.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.