Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
You Might Also Like
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I think I’m having a stroke
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Lmao
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.