CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!