Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
i could never be president. im overqualified.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food