I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed