I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.