I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
the world’s most popular steaming services
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip