SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.