I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.