Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
asking santa clause for nudes
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.