A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Hot Hot Hot
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”