So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Meat Cute
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.