If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.