ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”