[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted